Saturday, January 29, 2011

She said: "He started coming to the park after his partner died. It was something to do. In the warmer months, he liked to watch the people who passed through it on their way to one of the museums or galleries. They were usually followed by school age children wearing shorts and cloth bill caps with sports team names on them. There were only a few other regulars at the park, and although he didn't know much about them, he knew them all by name. In the winter fewer of them came to sit and talk, but he himself never missed a day. It was better than sitting in the apartment, alone, in the quiet that was never filled. Watching the dust settle. Hearing the sounds of distant neighbors. Thinking about the time he had alone."
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Friday, January 28, 2011

He said: "Do you remember the dreams of your youth? Boy, I sure remember mine. I wanted to be a football hero and a movie star and a body builder and a hero. Oh, and a Scientist who would discover all kinds of cures to save the lives of people across the globe. And, I would be famous and I would be rich and I would have a lovely wife and many children who would be smart and would adore me. Well, I got the wife part right. I don't know why our dreams don't become realities more often than they do. I guess we forget them as time goes on and reality takes over or something. I guess I just got distracted by living every day. Stuff happens. Isn't that what they say? I didn't realize all of my dreams, but I got some of them OK. I guess that's pretty good in the long run. I guess it's better not to realize the dreams of your youth than to not have had any dreams at all."
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Monday, January 24, 2011

She said: "Oh, the wind is so cold today; I can feel the chill run right through me. Oh, I hate the Winter cold. I try each year to bare it, but each year I hate it more: the wind, the cold, the greyness of it all; the fact that the leaves are gone and the flowers are dead and I hate having to open the door knowing what is behind it. I'm getting older each year. Other people my age go to warm places in Winter. I have my home here, so this is where I stay. It is where my people are. It is where I grew up. But, now, things are changing. The more time that goes by, the more doors are closing on me and the more I feel the cold coming in. Please don't leave me here alone. I need the warmth of your company. I'll make some hot tea; we could talk. There are so many doors that are closing now; so many doors closing to me now. Won't you please let me in now; I want to be warm, so please let me in."
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Saturday, January 22, 2011

He said: "Well, now they all wanna know. Nobody wanted to know anything before it happened, but now they wanna know what made him do it. I told them it would happened but no body would listen then. They were saying that I was the one who was nuts. They were trying to put the whole thing on my head, but it wasn't me that was the dangerous one. I tried to tell them he was sick and had problems with money and problems with dope, and problems with women, but they wouldn't listen. It think they just didn't want to deal with it and they didn't want to deal with me. But, now they have to deal with me. I'm the only one left that can speak for him. I'm the only one who was there at the end. They wouldn't listen then, but they'll have to listen now."
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Sunday, January 16, 2011

He said: "Well, I got the word and it ain't good. It's worse that I thought. I thought that it was just something that would clear up on its own, but it's not that kind. I have to tell you that I wasn't kind to the Doctor. I screamed and cussed him out and when he tried to calm me down, I threw a punch at him. Some other young Docs came in and held me down on the floor while I cursed at them and cursed God, and a cursed a Universe where something like this is possible. Then I cried; bawled like a baby, and when I was finished with that, I was finished. There wasn't anything else to do; there wasn't anything else to say. I felt a calmness like what I think death is like. I was just empty. There wasn't anything left of me. I was gone for a little bit there. I was outside of this life, and in a darkness that both made me afraid and also cooled me, making me aware of being alive again. I'm OK now. I don't like it, but I accept it. The darkness is there all the time now, just waiting. I intend to make it wait a very long time."
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She said: "When the words start to come to me, I have to stop what I'm doing right then, in order to catch the words before they blow away. Language is so fragile! If I don't run them down, they get away and all that I have left is a few commas, or a few nouns, maybe, if I'm lucky. You can't do much with a comma and a stray noun. It can be very exciting, tho. When the messages come to me, I feel that I have a purpose here; the purpose given to me is to capture the words and make them straight and true so that anyone, not just me, can have the opportunity to see what comes through us and then is forever captured on paper; or even on the palm of your hand. I feel very lucky that I am one of the people who can do this. There aren't many of us. It's a lot of work. But I love it! The only thing that wound be better is knowing where the words come from. I would love to know where they are birthed and how is it that they come to us. But, truly, I don't think I'll ever be given that knowledge and, you know, that's O.K. I don't want to ask for too much."
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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

She said: "It just happened one day. Just like that, I couldn't find words to say what I wanted to say. My words got a notion to be independent of my wishes. The mouth was in this game too. I can't tell you how angry I got. I felt totally betrayed by my mouth and the worst was how silly I felt whenever I talked. I'd will one word and another one would pop up and take the place of the one I chose. My friends would look at me strangely, as if I was from another planet. It just didn't make an sense to me. What in the world had happened to my world. No one else seemed to have the problems that I was having. I thought that maybe I had been taken to another planet while I slept, and this place was very much like our planet but they used a different but similar language there on that place. I just cried and cried, but what could I do? I felt just the same as before all of this stuff started happening. I thought I was loosing my mind! I was frightened and angry and I wanted everything to go back to where it was before, but that didn't happen. I ran away, or tried to. I wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere where everything was normal, but I lost it. I was lost. I was lost on the road to language."
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Sunday, January 09, 2011

He said: "I knew your father. Did you know that? I knew him many years ago when we were both young and were at University. He was a gentle creature, like you. He smiled a lot as if he knew the punchline to a joke that someone was about to tell. He liked people in general, I think. Of course, like every one, he hated the war and did what he could to stop it. It was unstoppable. But that didn't stop him from trying. He was a poet and a painter. I think he also was fond of photography. I'm certain that all of his work was lost in the fire that summer that you were born. I know that he loved you and your mother very much. It's a shame that he couldn't have known you more, like I do. There are many things you would have had in common; also many things that you could have taught each other and argued about. He would have reached out to you in his pain and you would have taken his hand in yours and you both would have been one person. I'm sorry that you did not have a chance to make that happen. I'm sorry that I didn't have a chance to see you two together like that. I knew him well and I loved him just like you."
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Saturday, January 08, 2011

She said: "As soon as I say that I can not bear it, I find that I can. As soon as I don't think that I can take another step, I find that I have. There is no cross that can not be lifted and moved. There is always light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dim. No mater how cold the night, the morning will bring warmth. No matter now lonely, there is someone to help share the load. There is always at least one star somewhere in the heavens to act as a guide. I will not despair. I will move on. I will shoulder the load.
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Thursday, January 06, 2011

He said: "A cat knows only one thing: that he is a cat and everyone else is not. A cat rules the house, the barn, the meadow, the bush, the road, the space, the bed, the place where he/she is at that moment. There is not question. The humans in a house with a cat are there to feed the cat and to open the door when ever the cat wants a change of scenery either on the outside of the door or on the inside of the door. The cat will amuse itself by watching the other creatures in the house. The cat will allow a human to stroke it's coat; or NOT. A cat can communicate quite well. One knows if one is stroking a cat the way that the cat wants. Cats know all about us and we know so very little about cats. At the end, I am sure, the cats are what will be drawn into heaven. But, then, we have always know that, haven't we?"
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Tuesday, January 04, 2011

She said: "I wake up and it is dark. I know where I am and I begin to cry. I'm in my bed, in my house, next to my husband, and down the hall from our son. I am crying because I am still here and I am still ill and I know that I will not get better, only worse, little by little. Little by little I am slipping away and I will soon be almost gone. It will take some time, and at the end I will have all the time in the world, but I won't know what to do with it. For the moment, I am still and the house is quiet. The cat wants to be fed and knows that I am awake, but I sit back on my pillow and I feel what it is like to be a part of a family and a part of a circle of friends and I feel better knowing that I still know what to love and what to keep in my heart."
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